how to succeed in whoring (without really trying): Sydney's totally gay and lesbian mardi gras 2012

and you know what? i avoided the whole fucking thing. but what i did do was way more awesome than another big gay dance party

now don't get me wrong. i love mardi gras. i don't care if it's not the same. i don't really care if it's lost it's way (from a protest to a celebration spattered with whorish displays of shameless corporate sponsorship). i don't really care if it's not as much fun as it used to be. i had my fun there.

one year, 2001, me and my bitch at the time sharing a case of beer with a couple of lil' lesbians who shackled up beside us. it was the year of celebrating gay families. gay kids marching with their parents and more importantly gay parents marching with their kids. it was quite a touching theme until wedged in between those teens and toddlers came the Mature Age Gays float, a bunch of old men waving signs in the air saying "lower the age of consent now". sure they just meant lowering the age of consent from 18 to 16 years to be equal with heterosexual sex, but it just terrible placement and seemed a little tasteless. so when a bunch of friends in the Sydney University Queer Socialist Group came screaming up oxford street demanding we all fuck the police and destroy capitalism, we had reached our tolerance with the mardi gras jumped the fence and marched with our mates

i have since heard jumping the fence and joining the parade is a near impossibility with security, but we looked like we were part of that group anyway

the last time was 2008 and one of the gay newspapers needed someone to take care of the music. the 'repeat' button on the cd player was broken and they needed someone press play every 8 minutes. it was a fun slow drive up oxford street with hoards of young asian girls screaming their guts out in excitement all the way. for my troubles i was given a free ticket to the party. the venue is huge and music sucked ass. i stayed for half an hour before going home, having a cup of tea and crawling into bed

the only thing i'm annoyed about Mardi Gras these days is during the month leading up to the parade and party, thanks to the damn non-recession/GFC i've gone from earning thousands of bucks per week to just on a thousand per week. that's a huge drop. also because the booming australian dollar and Sydney becoming more and more expensive there are less tourists and they're not staying as long as they used to. still, the international hookers keep spilling out of those A380s and the local johns snap them up

this year friends were organising an alternate party at the Oxford Arse Factory. live bands. live drag queens. Velvet Hammer was a success in the past and this was going to be another. i offered to help and in a few hours before the show got asked to knock up some fake glory holes out of cardboard to hide some stage props. where we pay homage to The Den (R.I.P) and the infamous interview of the cracked-out owner and his interview going viral all lit up by some trash 90s aussie trannie porn

she's a chick with a dick and she's hung

GET FUCKED!!!

it was a fucking good party the highlight being Totally Unicorn - a punk band from Wollongong. that it in self means nothing, and if your not from Australia i'm sure you think that's not really a name for a city and i just stuck a bunch of random letters together and stopped repeating them just before it became ludacris. but no, Wollongong is a city well known for using the tactic of playing Barry Manilow 24 hours a day in shopping malls, parks and any places youths might congregate to scare them off and stop them wrecking the place. it was a complete success.

Totally Unicorn were totally amazing. shouty, hard and fast punk with near naked stage diving. can't recommend them enough. i took too many drugs and got really fucking drunk, so here's a friend's review. she writes it better on her antitouristguidetosydney