November 2010
the month in Sydney was both amazing and painful. it was great to be back, but it no longer felt like home. i wasn't eating. i wasn't sleeping. by the time i returned to the Valley four weeks later i had lost 10kgs.
extra thinking time was for nought. to him, it was all over and by now, i was fine with that. he had changed so much since moving here. gone was the flannel shirt, the short beard, and the over-whelming tenderness of the man i fell in love with in Sydney. replaced with a racist binge-drinking, pot-smoking, 3AW talkback radio listening, self-obssessed dickbag that now wore the bogan trifecta (wog chain, half tribal sleeve and southern cross tattoo) with embarrassing pride.
i would stay until i could make other arrangements. i could stay with my sister, but her husband is bi-polar and was having a severe downturn at the moment. of course, if things were unbearable come immediately, but for now i would be better off in the valley as we turned off the tv to go to bed, Buddy leaped up and trotted off ahead. he knew it was bed time. to him that meant warm cuddles all night long. i walked down the hall and buddy turned to go into the bedroom, then stopped. he realised i wasn't following him. he turned back and with the hugest brown puppy eyes i have ever seen
"sorry, buddy. i don't sleep in there any more." i walked on down the hallway to the spare room. Buddy went to bed with Dj. i crawled into bed and played a little Gillian Welch to help me get to sleep.
(i love hula hoop girl. the oringal 14minute version of this song is hypnotic)
a few minutes later i heard footsteps down the hall coming towards my room. the bedroom door slowly creaked open. it was Buddy. when he saw me smile and nod, he knew it was permission to jump into bed with me. at night he would sleep at the foot of the bed. hours later he would creep higher. by morning i would wake up, spooning him. his wet nose sniffing at my chin. while i was in the house, he never slept with Dj again
i wanted to stay in the area. it had become home. i was working in a brewery and a vineyard. the next few weeks i finally got to see Dj how everyone else saw him. it, and he, wasn't pretty. i learned why everyone kept saying 'it's great to see Dj happy" when he's in a good mood, he's awesome. when he is bad. he is evil. moody. angry. throwing tantrums, stomping his feet from one room to another and hissy fits because i wouldn't move out as quickly as he wanted me to. ignoring you and rolling his eyes. pretty much everything a spoiled little 9 year old girl does.
as i went to work early one morning, he stumbled out of his room naked, hungover and still drunk he absent mindedly gave me a hug on his way to the kitchen sink to skull a pint of water. i shivered and cringed at his touch. he was revolting to me now. in an effort to impress the 21 year old straight guy he desperately wanted to fuck, he'd completely shaved his chest hair in an effort to look younger. "wow. you shaved everything. way to show off all the definition you've lost in the last 2 months."
"huh?"
"nothing"
"have a good day at work" so continued his mood swings. 12 hours earlier he was throwing cutlery and saucepans in the sink. cursing my presence. throwing a tantrum to get me to leave
i'm leaving a lot of the bad stuff out, so pretty soon, Yarra Glen also no longer felt like home. where do you go when no place feels like home? it's a horrible feeling. i gave up on my idea of staying in the area. when i felt i had punished him enough and forced him to be held accountable to his actions, i moved out. i stayed with my sister and became a live-in nanny. i went out for beers at the Laird one night and ran into Josh and his housemates
"how's your super-hot flatmate, josh?"
"ugh! we've kicking him out," then smiled his infectious grin, "we have a vacant room coming up if you need one!"
"yeah, i really really do..."
"fantastic!" he said with a jug o beer in his hand, "this is your interview!"
i soon moved in. i is the best share house i could have asked for
even until today. i have never heard from Dj since the morning i moved out. surprisingly , the 21 year old straight guy he was obsessed with and ditched me for in order to convert, didn't work out. he is still in his 3 month cycles - every 3 months a new job, a new obsession, a new boyfriend. i have since found out he is one of the most hated people in Melbourne. mention his name in a group of people and someone will no doubt tell you what a fucking asshole he is. some of my friends knew this, but said nothing. i still hold a grudge against Melbourne for that. a city where everyone loves to gossip, but will rarely take a stand against another for fear of the social repercussions. as for standing up and being a man, i gave Dj so many opportunities to apolgise. he never has
"you'll never get one," his sister smiled. i spent Christmas eve with her family, a couple of friends and brothers. i miss the family i had there. i try to see them when i can. hoping one day i may also be able to take Buddy for a walk along the abandoned railway and watch him fruitlessly chase rabbits
so that's why i'm in Melbourne. i'm here already. why not stay a while?
it's been a year since this started. it's my birthday again and all these weird memories came back. thankfully, i remember a lot of the good stuff. despite it all, i still don't regret the decision to make such a huge change for lurve... i just wanted to write it down before i forget them. but there's another thing... it's happening again
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