Gosford - City of the Damned (feat. lil $hmyl)

as you get older, generally, music just seems less inspired. new music seems more manufactured and you become more cynical of modern artists.

take Swedish House Mafia - a piss-poor-pop imitation of Pendulum (who have become a piss-poor-pop imitation of themselves). does anyone really like them? they had one track, the forgettable one with the cute video where all the dogs are fighting criminals in slow-mo, and suddenly they were top billed for every festival in the last 6 months. manufacturing the success of the next wave of musical whores

also as she was climbing her way through the music industry ladder, i don't know who Lana Del Ray didn't let fuck her in the ass to warrant the barrage of negative reviews for her album Born To Die. sure it's not a great album, but it's not that bad. it's just outdated. it would have been a hit 10 years ago

now a new video is about has arisen and starting to go viral. it's awful. truly fucking awful. a teenage hip-hop 'sensation' straight outta East Gosford. why does this hardcore gansta's track speak to me? because Gosford is where i grew up

don't fuck with Shmyl (feat. some fat kid) - lil $hmyl

East Gosford is hardly South Central. it's hardly anything. it's the 'burbs. the stinking boring suburbs. it's not gansta. it's not even a tough neighbourhood. it's actually quite a pleasant area to raise a family. as you can see in the video it has a shopping centre, a skate park for the youths, traffic islands and speed limits up to a raging 40kms an hour. it's just dull and full of obese bogan douchbags

having gypsy parents on the run from debt collectors meant me and my older sisters had the luxury of moving to a new house in a suburb and going to a new school almost every 6 months. one of those school was East Gosford Primary School. it was hardly crime riddled. no one was trying to bust-a-cap in my 6 year old ass. in fact, it was one of the finer schools i went to in the 1980s. i few memories of the place and the ones i have are quite pleasant if not frightfully dull. 

i remember cueing at the canteen during little lunch to use whatever small change i mustered that week to buy a chocolate milk. i remember the easter parade and my easter bonnet made of out card, sticky tape and crepe paper that sucked balls. i remember dress as your favourite book character day - being accident prone and destroying everything i touch it made sense i dress as Mr Bump (being poor it was also a cheap easy costume to make. a blue tracksuit and a few bandages around my head)

oh, and once i was almost hit by a car crossing the road

my most audacious memory is the in year one and learning about syllables. individually the children in my class would pick a word written on the blackboard and divide it in to syllables. one girl chose the word "class"

"cl," she paused, "ass."

"ha!" snot flew out of my nose and i exploded into a sniggering mess

for disrupting the cl-ass, the teacher shouted at me, "what is so funny!?!"

the teacher knew damn well what was so funny. but i couldn't stop laughing and ordered to leave the cl-ass-room and sit outside on the steps. in the sunshine and fresh air like that was some sort of punishment

friends own a house in East Gosford. i've been there many time since. it's not hardcore. even in the video you can see this oppressive urban landscape which has twisted these poor souls into the hardened criminals they are today has quite a pretty tree-covered landscape in the background. Rumbala reserve is quite beautiful as you can see here

clearly the next East Gossy Posse waiting to be discovered once they stop prancing around like S Club 7 and build up some street cred

yet, if it's such a lovely area, look at what i grew up to be - a drug-taking dole-bludging unshaven filthy inner-city homosexual manwhore

here's is $hyml's tender love ballad. sprinkled with timeless rhymes, pure poetry delivered with the skill and finesse of a man suffering acute brain damage :

"i'll touch your tit and rub your clit

you'll scream my name coz i got game"

"i'll lick your pussy because i like the taste

but after i done i'll need some toothpaste..."

though i'm confused by the rhyme:

"lil shmyl is known as a thug

but he likes a butt plug"

fuck Die Antwoord and their subversive self-awareness - lil $hmyl is the shit!