rewind #1
how did i end up here?
if i'm so fucking amazing how did i end up in such a stupid situation. why am i working in the second busiest city in australia? why am i not back in sydney. why am i not back overseas?
it's a great job. and i love it. the main reason i do it is because it's the only job i've ever had where everybody is happy.
unfortunately i wasn't happy. i got bored. i had been back living in Sydney for 5 years. studied design and started freelancing as a graphic designer. pouring your heart and soul into a design just to have the majority of clients say "hmmm... it's good. but change this... and this... and this... and make it look more like this other company." pretty soon i stopped freelancing, design of any sort and eventually i stopped drawing altogether. i took what i loved and learned to hate it
i moved out of my share apartment with a rooftop pool and 270degrees skyline views of sydney and the harbour into my own one bedroom apartment in the black twisted heart of Darlinghurst. made some new friends. great friends. tried photography. sculpture. new tattoos. even bought an incredible old honda cruiser 750cc and destroyed it several months later. tried new careers and then couldn't give a fuck about them. the only thing i enjoyed was the manwhoring. part time job with a more than full time wage. i would lie on my bed at night, staring out the window that overlooked Hyde Park and the city and new something was wrong.
i wasn't happy
with all that and i wasn't happy. how fucking ungrateful am i? it was mostly because i was lonely. you can have a shitload of friends, i do and i love them, but you can still be lonely
at the end of 2008 i met up with a backpacker named Alex. he'd done working in his middle of nowhere tatty seaside Alaskan town, saved up cash over the summer and escaped their winter to Australia. we were just going to hook up for a few beers and quick fuck. but this guy was awesome. he was so awesome it's where i picked up saying 'awesome' from. even today, i can't stop saying awesome. he was damn hot too. you know, if you like those fit tattooed bearded guys with a hairy chest and a big cock. we spent pretty much everyday for the next 4 weeks together. sometimes just walking the streets, sitting around talking shit over beers, watching a movie or lying in bed snuggling watching the flying foxes shoot past my bedroom window at dusk. it was great having a new mate to hang out with and show the sights of Sydney not many travellers would get to see
then on christmas eve we were sinking a few beers in the dodgy old Criterion Hotel on the corner or Pitt and Park Street in the city and i finally answered the question of what i do for work. he seemed okay with it. he went back to the hostel and i went home. i only saw him one more time after that
he avoided my calls. would take a day or more to respond to an sms. after a few weeks he sent a text to meet for a beer. i met him out with a bunch of friend from his hostel. he was pretty cold the whole night and sat at the other end of the group. it seems one of his friend forced him to call me. the pub crawl was fun, but by 3am i was drunk and angry. we were walking through Hyde Park and i tackled him to the grass and pinned him down. everything i wanted to say was gone the moment he was close. i let him up. we said goodbye. he went backpacking up the east coast of australia and i never saw him again
it wasn't until he was gone that i noticed how much a missed him and that i wanted him around to be more than just a friend. i wanted a boyfriend, dammit.
over a year later i get an email from him saying sorry. he never had feelings like that before for another guy and sure as hell didn't know what to do about them. he wasn't ready. neither was i. from what i have learned though is that when it comes along, you never are ready
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